Thursday, November 20, 2008

Cold Evening of the Dead

Ok, here is the second part of that zombie business I was writing about. Hmm, maybe I should publish a book on zombie

Necroman and his friends arguably make one of the best cases in support of my previous assertion that a zombie's greatest weakness is excellent choreography. This they do through a first-hand account of stumbling into a zombie neighbourhood at night and joining in one of the activities common zombies partake in during their leisure hours. This activity was (obviously, given the nature of zombie psychology) dancing. Here is a reprint of Necroman's account:

"I went out for a walk. It was late, it was night. Creepy sounds appeared when I passed the graveyard wall. A flash in my eyes, I was hit by the light from this skull turned into a mirror ball. Last night the dead were coming on to me, dead bodies and has-beens were all I could see."

"I saw the dead a Moonwalkin'......yeahhhhh. I found myself caught in the heat. Out of a grave a zombie babe is pulling my leg. I'm going offto the bone rocking beat, dancing like hell in this afterlife discotheque. Was asked up for a rigor mortis breakdance on a headstone. A dead moonwalkin' vampire chick dragged me by the bone."

- Necroman highlights three important aspects of zombie culture that I would like to mention.

1 - Zombies love to dance, and may have invented the moonwalk. Having starred in Thriller, it is indisputable that zombies had a connection with Michael Jackson (who has become a zombie, maybe in the last 5 or 10 years) and so one must question all of Michael Jackson's supposedly original dance moves in light of this revelation.

2 - Zombies may be able to improvise and adapt better than we had previously expected. This tendency is displayed in their use of a skull as a disco-ball in the absence of a real disco-ball. This could mean that zombies may actually be able to adapt to life in a world de-populated of humans, as they may be able to improvise many other goods and services that we have not considered.

3 - Zombies do have attractive individuals, as seen by the 'zombie babe' that Necroman danced with. This could represent an alternate means of zombie reproduction independent of spreading the zombie plague to humans. If this is true, we may have more to fear than a bite on the neck. If zombies are able to breed, then we may have to strike them pre-emptively and without provocation in order to protect ourselves from the possibility of having to out-compete an ever increasing zombie population.

Thus, Necroman's account provides us with a few very important issues to think about. The key, though, is that he has independently proven my assertion that dancing may be our best chance at survival when the time comes to fight against the undead hordes. Good luck, and polish up them blue suede shoes; you're going to need them.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

World War Z

So I haven’t updated this thing since Mayday. A lot has happened in the world around me since then. The fascists, I mean, Conservatives, won the election here in Canada. Obama won down south. And most importantly, the global capitalist market economy is collapsing under its own weight. The Soviet Union fell less than twenty years ago, its system over-strained by war and struggle on a global scale. Now their enemies are failing because of the lack of a REAL world conflict. It seems that unregulated free market enterprise is its own worst enemy. Sometimes it feels good to say, “I told you so.”

Anyways, I want to talk about something more fun today. Clearly the world is heading for the end times, and with them will inevitably come the Zombie Plague. I know, you’re thinking, “the Zombie Plague can’t happen to me.” Unfortunately, you are mistaken. Any supervirus that surfaces over the next ten or twenty years has the potential to be the Zombie Plague. With that in mind, I’d like to resurrect a study I wrote concerning zombie culture for a Facebook group last year. I figure, we need to be prepared. So, here is the first of a two-part examination of zombies and their role in our future world:

Ok, so let me begin. In their song "Where Do Monsters Go?' Necromantix ask "Where do monsters go when they're not on the film set? I wanna know if they ever sleep, or do they wander the night? Do they have a home just like you and me, or are they homeless living in the street?" as well as a few other significant questions. These particular questions, when pertaining to zombies, are ones that need answering. While dozens, maybe hundreds, of zombies have appeared in films over the years, their lives off-screen remain a mystery to us. So, I would like to list what we know about them, and what we can infer from the evidence.

- Since zombies rarely ever appear anywhere but on film, it is safe to assume that they, as a demographic group, tend to specialize in one specific industry. This is good for us, because it means that they lack many other skills that may be needed in the future. Obviously, without humans, zombies will be living in a world that they will find impossible to sustain. Over-specialization is obviously one of their greatest weaknesses. Sure, they can act, but unless they learn very quickly (which we know they can't) any zombie-dominated society will be bound to fail due to the lack of skills and abilities possessed by its members.

- No human has yet been seen playing a zombie in a movie. So far, zombies have taken all such roles. Conversely, no zombie has ever played a human in a film. This leads me to believe that the Zombie Acting Union has far-reaching powers. Clearly, the zombies have organized in order to protect their livelihoods, and have been incredibly successful. From the power of their labour union (it must be quite large as films from across the globe use only zombies in zombie roles) one can infer that a left-wing, or left-of-centre political ideology is dominant among zombies. This too can work to our advantage. If the zombies ever run amok, we can take to the streets waving red flags and chanting socialist slogans. Once the zombies see this, they will be moved by the spirit of international comradeship, and will inevitably march with us through the streets (probably singing their own songs such as "A Brain in Every Pot", or "Hammer, Sickle, and Thighbone"). Such an alliance would be advantageous for both sides. We will obtain protection, as well as a formidable fighting force, and the zombies will gain long-term security (see 'over-specialization' above). Thus united as a single vanguard, we will march with the zombies towards the total victory of the masses over the powers of both the Reactionary Governments, and the Liberal Bourgeois.

- Zombies have been subjected to intense discrimination in the past. This can be seen by the lack of acting credits at the end of every movie they appear in, as well as the previously common practice of portraying zombies as both dumb and slow. Lately, this trend has been on the decline. Specific famous zombies have received acting credits (such as the leader-zombie in the new "Dawn of The Dead"), and zombies are being portrayed more and more often as the intelligent and athletic beings that they actually are. This trend of decreased discrimination in films is representative of an easing of ethnic tensions between zombies and humans. This can only bode well for the future. Less tension means less likelihood of a riot that could lead to a Large-Scale Zombie-Related Disaster (or LSZRD as certain anthropologists have begun to call it).

Thus, by examining what little we know about the zombies who live among us, we can come to two significant conclusions. First, a LSZRD is increasingly unlikely in the near future, and second, in the case of a LSZRD there are specific things we can do to vastly increase our chances of survival. So the next time you see a zombie, don't imply that he is lazy, slow, or dim-witted. Either compliment him, or talk about Gramsci, Marx, and just might save your life.